"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” - Psalm 23:4
My wife and I walked into the dark valley of miscarriage on Friday, July 7, 2023. We learned early in the pregnancy that our precious child was a daughter; and even though she was still forming in the womb, she had a body and soul; fully human in every way. I vividly remember the emotions we experienced during that first ultrasound. We could see her body and hear the beating of her heart. There she was, fully alive.
We learned on a Sunday that she was a daughter, but on the following Friday her heart was no longer beating. An ultrasound confirmed it. A deafening silence and a paralyzing stillness entered our lives. Our daughter had passed away in the womb; and she now awaits us in heaven. We firmly believe that, by God’s grace, and in His mercy, our daughter is now at home with the Lord forever. She is safe in His arms, healed and glorified, and she will never experience the pain and suffering of this life. My wife and I joyfully look forward to meeting her one day.
While we sat stunned in that ultrasound room, those clinical surroundings gave way to the dark shadows of the valley of death. And while I was with her in the grief, my wife went further into that valley than I first realized.
Miscarriage brings a unique grief in the valley of death; and it's not an area well-known to us, especially us husbands. There are no maps; no entry and exit signs. There is only darkness, grief, and pain. And while, as fathers, we certainly grieve when our unborn children die, mothers seem to bear a far greater burden, a far deeper wound to the soul.
If you are reading this article as a husband of a wife who has lost a child in the womb, my aim is to encourage you: Sit with your wife in the grief; comfort her with hope; entrust her to the Lord.
Sit with Her in the Grief
When our miscarriage occurred, life changed in an instant. Everything stopped. Family stepped in to care for our other children. Our church family showered us with food, love, and encouragement. Friends called and texted. But life stopped for a time. I watched, beginning in the ultrasound room, as my wife entered into death’s valley, and it felt that she was fading away into its darkness.
Husbands will find it difficult to comprehend their wives’ experience in that dark moment. And I don’t think we will ever fully understand. There is a sacred body-soul union a mother shares with her unborn child that we husbands will never know, nor will we ever know the intense suffering she experiences when miscarriage so violently tears child from mother.
We both grieved. My soul was rent. I wept and prayed Job 1:21. But my wife was going through something more; something heavier. At times, I did not understand what I was watching. It seemed as if a heavy darkness had settled over her; a darkness that hid her from me, a darkness that threatened to take her away.
Our other three children were sad to learn the news, but quickly moved on with life as children do. I went back to work and my routines; but my wife remained in the darkness of that valley. It seemed to have a grip on her, and it wouldn’t let go. In many ways, even more than a year later, that darkness still seems to have a piece of her soul.
One of the dangers we husbands face is failing to see, understand, and honor the grief that miscarriage brings upon our wives. We can harm her by dismissing her grief, not honoring her pain, or unintentionally downplaying her suffering. Husbands, we are often too quick to speak with truth and solutions. And while there is certainly a time for truth-speaking, there is also a time for silent grieving.
Our wives need to know that they are seen and respected in their grief. They need space to grieve, to be honored in their hurt, and they need to know that we are silently there with them.
In the opening sufferings of Job, his friends joined him in just this way,
“Now when Job's three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place…They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him. And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him. And they raised their voices and wept, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven. And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.” (Job 2:11–13).
We husbands will never know the soul-wound that our wives bear when miscarriage interrupts our lives. But we can recognize her pain, weep with her, and sit silently with her knowing that her sufferings are very great.
Practically, guys, that means:
Giving her space to grieve.
Keeping the kids.
Making the grocery list and buying the groceries.
Cooking the meals.
Cleaning the house.
Doing the chores.
Going out of your way to make sure she is cared for.
Bearing her up.
Sitting with her while she cries.
Brother, your wife needs you to care for her body and her soul in that valley. Sit with her in the silence. Grieve with her in the pain. She needs you there with her.
Comfort Her with Hope
But as much as there is a need for silence, there is also a time to speak. But be wise, men! Speak at the right time and with the right words. Be honest with her that you do not know the pain she is experiencing, but that you know the God of Heaven Who does know her pain. She needs to hear that you are by her side.
Ecclesiastes 3:7 instructs us, “there is a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.”
Our wives do not need empty encouragement or cheap cliches in these moments. They need to know truth. Our wives need to know that even in their grief they still have a heavenly Shepherd and a faithful husband who are strongly with them in the darkness of death's valley. They need to know and be reminded that the valley of death in which they dwell is only the valley of the shadow of death (Ps. 23:4). That darkness is an already conquered enemy.
Here are some ways to comfort your grieving wife:
Give her space.
Pray with her and for her.
Take her for a walk and hold her hand.
Weep tears of faith with her as the Lord gives them.
Read the Bible with/to her.
Remind her of the promises of Christ’s resurrection and the hope that it provides.
Enlist the help of faithful women in your church to encourage your wife (Titus 2).
If needed, enlist the help of faithful biblical counselors.
Speak to your wives, husbands. Speak to them with the shepherding love of Christ. Speak to them with the calm strength of hope. Speak to them with the wisdom of God’s Word. Speak life to them in death’s valley.
Entrust Her to the Lord
Finally, Psalm 23:4 is a reminder to us that even while our wives may be lost to us in grief for a time, her Lord is with her, and He knows her, and He is guiding her. A wounded wife certainly needs her husband, but she needs her heavenly Shepherd even more.
To the hurting and confused husband, this wonderful verse reminds you and your wife that while her body and soul are in anguish, the dashed hope of a lost life is ultimately no cause for fear, for her Lord is with her. She may be in the valley of death, but that death is only a shadow. Her Lord lives. And because the living Lord is near, Psalm 30:5 remains true for her, “Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.”
And husbands, Psalm 23:4 reminds us that while the grief of that dark valley may seem to hide our wives from us, even lingering far longer than we might have imagined, we have the confidence of knowing that the great Shepherd of death’s valley is with her. And she is not lost to Him. His rod is in His hand; and with His staff, He will securely guide her home.
A Concluding Reminder…
Husbands, we certainly experience pain and suffering when our children die in the womb. We rightly grieve as fathers over our lost children. But mothers walk through the experience of miscarriage differently. Their sufferings are far heavier than ours. And a mother’s pain will come and go. It's not a one-time experience for her. That darkness lurks around unexpected corners and will come upon her when she is not looking for it. That’s the way grief works.
So husbands, be prepared to journey with her in and out of that dark valley for some time. And don't be surprised when it shows up at unexpected times. She's not asking for it.
But even in that darkness, the bright light of Jesus still shines for her. Even in death’s valley, death’s power remains but a shadow as Jesus, our Shepherd, guides her along.
So, husbands, sit with your wife in her grief, and when the time is right, comfort her with the promises of God, entrusting her to His care.